Albany: "The City That Never Sleeps...Inside"

The City Council of Albany has created a new slogan for the city after insisting that there is a .01% homeless population.

Photo by: Pete Dzintars

Albany, NY - The city council when asked about their new slogan, "The City That Never Sleeps...Inside," said that there is no homeless population in Albany and the people sleeping outside are in fact not homeless but hipsters. As the only news organization in all of New York, we went above and beyond, we asked a follow-up question and they ignored us.

We wanted an explanation for this claim, so after a few kidnappings and some other minor crimes we got the exclusive interview to ask the mastermind behind this campaign three questions. This is that transcript:

Compensator Journalist: What is your name?

Andrew: Andrew Cuomo, and that counts as your first question. (Note: He was gesturing heavily with his hands while talking)

CJ: Damn you.

Andrew: You have one more question.

CJ: No, I have two more.

Andrew: I'm only getting word now that you are right and you have two more questions. I was told 2 originally by Chris Cuomo. [Under his breath] This is why I am mom's favorite. (Note: We were the only two people in this room)

CJ: We looked into your homeless claim and found that to be outrageous false. Can you explain where these numbers came from?

Andrew: I've received amazing advice from my dad, Mario Cuomo you may have heard of him, the greatest governor of New York of all time, the people insisted on naming a bridge after him, ya, that one, told me if I wanted to be liked I need to lie and lie a lot. Ever since that day in third grade I have fought against these urges to just constantly lie. In college when I hit puberty my urges only grew.

By the time college was finished, I learned how to use these urges for good.

We need young people and women and men and women to help Albany thrive and get back to where it used to be when I was growing up. Kids now of days are scared to spit on the homeless as we used to and I had to do something to get Albany back in working order. If it wasn't for your amazing reporting and super hard questions I could have had young women and men and women here convinced that the homeless were just hipsters. [Note: He started to talk with more in an Italian Boston accent at the end which prompted my last question]

CJ: Sir I am only going to ask you this once and only once and I want the truth. Are you even from New York?

Andrew Cuomo: No.

CJ: Thank you Mr. Cuomo those are all the questions I have for you. You can also take your hands off my thighs now.