A Letter From GlobalFoundries

GlobalFoundries CEO Says Chip Predictions From Company Psychic Are Reason For Mass Layoffs

“Here at GlobalFoundries, we care about three things, our investors, our psychic, and our investors in that order and in that order only.

After receiving a few hundred complaints from our fantastic (now former) employees, it has come to our attention that people want more of an explanation for the reason for our mass layoffs and new lower-level contracts that have been distributed throughout the company1.

Before the explanation, we would first like to thank all current and former employees, including Jeff who got fired last week after some alleged sexual harassment lawsuits, for helping us achieve one of our best financial quarters ever. Our gratitude is unparalleled and we will be planning to celebrate this by doubling the bonus of all of our employees1.

Now for our explanation. After some intense thinking by our CEO and Chuck Schumer, we wanted to consult with our internal physic. The results of some of these sessions resulted in the prediction that there will be a decrease in demand for our chips over the next year. We first considered tricking the American people into thinking they were just buying very expensive potato chips, but sadly, even with some amazing numbers from our test groups, we couldn’t get past the 4th round of the FDA testing. We then considered minimizing our profits for a few quarters until demand picks up again, but that wouldn’t be fair to our shareholders. So, under the guidance of our company psychic 800 of you will be receiving an email about your termination. But don't worry once demand picks up again in 2024 we will be looking forward to bringing you through the hiring process again and offering you a lower starting salary.

If you made it this far without angrily exiting out of this letter then you probably didn't receive the termination email, so congrats!

You might be thinking what about Joe Bidens bipartisan $52 Billion worth of subsidies for companies just like ours to expand? Well, we are excited to announce we will be expanding!

In our new contracts, all employees who are not in management can finally call themselves freelancers! You will be doing the same job but now you can say that you work for yourself and worry about all of your taxes and benefits, isn’t that so exciting! In addition to this, since we will be using these subsidies to expand we can’t wait to initiate our new working hours. We thoughts workers were burdened with checking the clock so we now allow workers to start and end work from sunrise to sunset, so forget about worrying about the time.

We are looking forward to continuing our success together.

VP Jonothan Cock"

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1. This will only apply to employees in upper management who make a base salary of over 200k. Sorry, not sorry.